mostly mine obviously but I’ve talked to another ibc survivor who has also recently finished rads for brain mets and another bc survivor who was just diagnosed with brain mets this week and a couple other survivors of other types. Many have small children. Some have slightly older, a few have high school and even college aged children…kids have been on my mind.
We all choose to deal with it and tell our kids different things, different amounts, different ways. It is always interesting to me to hear how other people handle it. Some choose to protect their kids as much as possible, some not even referring to it as cancer. Some tell some things and leave it very basic. Some are afraid that telling too much will make their kids scared, others think telling them too little will make them scared and wondering. Some choose to get them around other kids who have similar experiences and fears.
The way we have chosen to deal with it is to be as honest and age appropriate as possible. I’ve talked about some of the counseling and camps my daughter attends. My son will get to go to the day camp this year too. I learn about things they are thinking as they do all of this too. I found out my daughter thought I could just be sitting there with them and just ‘die’. She’s been living for almost two years thinking I could die any moment. I felt terrible but it explained a lot, why she would get so upset at being away from me, even to go to school. Why she worried so about her little brother being at home with me alone during the day. Now she and I both have a better understanding and we opened up another line of communication. When this first started and she told me that she was scared, I told her then that I was too, but at the time we were getting good news and we didn’t need to be scared. I also assured her that if a time ever came where she needed to be scared, I’d tell her. She knows she can ask me things, she asked me last week about who would take care of her if I died, meaning, who would get her ready for and to and from school and make sure that her lunch was packed and she got to lessons and all those things moms do. We talked about the possibilities, and how she felt about some of them.
Her teacher tells me that when she gets upset at school that she handles it appropriately and asks to see the guidance counselor. She also sees a counselor who specializes in kids who have a family member with cancer. She tells me when that counselor shows up at school, I ask if anything happened that she wants to tell me about or any questions that came up she wants to talk to me about. Usually she says no – and I’m okay that she feels like there are things she does better discussing with someone else. We all need our people we can talk to about things.
My son, he was 3 when we started this journey, he is 5 now. His understanding has developed some but it is still very much “Are you going to die?”. If I say “No” or “Not today” or “Not if I can help it” he generally looks at me and says okay and goes on with what he was doing. I don’t think he ‘gets’ dying, or what forever, or never seeing Mommy again means. But he still asks every couple of months, so I know it is on his mind.
My bead is that our kids can tell when things are up, they live with us, same house, same rooms, overhearing bits and pieces of things that can be scary. For example, I finally was “sick” from treatment a week ago, I had to go to the bathroom and be sick. For the first time in two years of this there was something other than tired and bald and it was scary for them. I was trying to tell them when I felt the need to go be sick so when I came out – I explained.
They are probably more intuitive than most adults and my approach is that I tell them so that I can control the information and hopefully head off their brains from going to crazy or scary places and the idea that addressing their fears head on will help them handle it all. But who knows. We all do what we think is best for OUR families and whenever we talk to someone whose approach is different it does make us wonder and sometimes maybe rethink. I’m not the only person in my house who ‘has’ cancer. I’m the only one with it in my body but from the day I was diagnosed my kids, husband, parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles were ‘diagnosed’ too. So were a lot of my friends. They are truly my co-survivors – one and all – but my kids and husband have to deal with the brunt of it every day, every minute because we are together all the time. I just want to help them get through this journey stronger for the experience and as unmarred as possible.
What a lovely post. Thank you so much for sharing. Family and friends are just a great part of life. I couldn’t imagine life without them.
Check out these Fun Family Activities
Ashley, you are such a terrific mom and are doing a wonderful job by being honest with your children. It is heartbreaking to have to discuss death and dying with them, but I think you’re doing the right thing by being honest and addressing their fears.
I don’t talk much about dying with Chrissy. I guess I’ll just cross that road if we come to that. When she has brought it up in the past we were very honest. I know she was terrified when I passed out after getting sick from the flu a couple of weeks ago and I know we all worried it was something worse.
The upside of all of this is we treasure the time we have together probably more than we would have otherwise.
You continue to be in my prayers, Ashley, and I’m still counting on you to me in my sequel of my book! You are a warrior for sure!
Ashley, it sounds like you really are doing all of the right things. Sending you healing thoughts and good vibes girl. I don’t think I can make it on Saturday, but I’ll be there in spirit.
Suzy
Your writing is vivid and moving. I just wanted to let you know that I’m praying for you.
Ashley, This post is quite profound in its wisdom. The statement that says, “I’m not the only person in my house that “has” cancer,” really sums it up, doesn’t it? I think you are doing what’s right in trying to be honest and in encouraging your kids to be the same. Otherwise who knows what they are imagining. Your daughter worrying about you dying at any moment is a perfect example of how important it is to address their concerns and worries head on, even though it is certainly not an easy thing to do. You sound like an awesome mom!