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Archive for April, 2010

What’s next?

The last ct scans were a bit less than what we wanted to hear. The upside… my chest is clear, my lung is still clear and my bones are stable to mildly improved; and then there is the other side. The ixempra I was on for February and March basically didn’t even make a dent in the liver mets. They are still growing and there are additional new ones.

I found out at the doctor’s office and she made suggested changes to my treatment. She suggested I switch to a chemo called Adriamycin (or the Red Devil as it is referred to by chemo patients). I agreed to it but I am not crazed about it because I didn’t have the time to process the situation or recommendations or look at other options. THAT won’t be happening again. I don’t intend to ever get my results the day of a treatment again, it is not the right thing for me. I’m sitting here getting my second dose now. I should lose my hair again in the next week to 10 days, I’m okay with that, maybe the red meds will lead to red hair the next time. It is kicking my butt more this time. I was nauseous for most of the last two weeks, it was worse the first few days and then just turned into a ‘just there’ situation. I’m tired and by that I mean I’m really tired, every minute of every day right now. Part of it probably has to do with not eating as much because my stomach isn’t thrilled with life but either way. I’m tired. The chemo could do some damage to my heart but if I don’t get it out of my liver the cansur will stop my heart so I do what I need to.

I am getting back to the gym. Getting on the elliptical for even 15 minutes was probably entertaining for anyone watching but I did it. I started lifting some weights too. My arms are going to get back in shape and I AM GOING TO LIFT MY 33lb SON AGAIN!

I am really trying to figure out the diet thing right now, I went to an MD who switched to a more homeopathic approach. He switched my supplements a lot and wants me to go to a >90% raw diet. When I got in touch with a friend who is amazingly knowledgeable about these things, and who I am grateful to count among my friends, she explained that she isn’t sure a highly raw diet is the way to go for me. When you have cansir your pancreas evidently doesn’t operate properly (regardless of your particular variety) and can make breaking down food difficult. So I have FINALLY finished getting things together to send to the nutritionist out west, and have help getting it paid for (I think – but am doing it regardless), but she is running 3 weeks out on getting reports to new clients. So I’m going to get back to my juicing, try to eat more raw but probably not 90%. Am still generally avoiding dairy, sugar and bready stuff but am also trying to eat. My stepmom made some awesome Taco Soup the other night so Dad and I are going to stop and pick some of it up for me after chemo today. I made my fav comfort food yesterday – beef stroganoff, SO not on my diet but I can eat it and I need the weight and it is actually kind of appealing! I just have to make sure I am getting my veggies too.

So for now, I get Adriamycin today and again in 2 weeks then we do scans again. I NEED it out of my liver, everywhere else is pretty good right now.

I had a conversation with my baby girl last night. She gets it, as much as I hate it, she gets it. We discussed that my plan is to meet my grandkids, that I’ll settle for getting her and her brother out of college but that there is that chance that I may not see her get out of grade school. No child should EVER have to get that. My four year old asks me almost every day if I have a doctor’s appointment. This needs to be evicted and I need to get back to getting to be Mom more and to having a daughter who isn’t scared that Mommy is going to die. I don’t plan on it but I have to be proactive. Prayers continue to be appreciated and needed. We are almost a year in and it is far from over.

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Denial, being petulant

Well, I guess the emotional end off all of this is finally catching up. I had been doing really well with my diet in January and February and then when I got the most recent results I got pissed off; unfortunately I didn’t channel that energy in a productive manner. I wasn’t exercising much and I wasn’t eating well, as a matter of fact I have been eating really badly for the last three weeks or so. I hadn’t juiced, I wasn’t taking my supplements as regularly (there is some questions about taking those while you are on chemo which adds to the difficulty). I just wasn’t doing what I needed to do.

Probably contributing to this was an endometrial cancer scare, I had to have an ultrasound and a biopsy and they explained that it would be a SECOND canser, one of the sick jokes is that having one kind of cansur doesn’t protect you from a second.The biopsy was clear and all is good.

The really good news though, I think I’m through it. I really do NOT want to die and leave my children. I don’t believe that just modern medicine is going to be enough to kick this out completely, I HAVE to do my part. I’m going to work my way back up and not try to jump in with both feet tomorrow as I’ll just crash and burn. I am going to start with working out three times a week consistently with a goal of getting to 5 or 6 days a week. I’m getting back on my juicing (starting last night at 12:30 AM) and taking my supplements. I’m going to finally get the rest of the info together to send to the nutritionist to help me make the other changes to my diet that I need to.

I need to be able to say and to show my kids that I am doing everything I can to stay here. Yes I’ve had a setback, but I can decide if it is a setback or a permanent change and I’m not willing to not do it. Yes, I’m afraid of losing but I’m more afraid of leaving my kids. Dying doesn’t scare me but leaving my kids terrifies me.

I have a CT tomorrow. I’ll get results on Wednesday, the plan and prayers are that the information is good but even if it isn’t what I want to hear, I’m going to face it head on.

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