Feeling “disabled”

For most of 2010 I was on chemo, from February until just before Christmas. It was pretty powerful and about a year ago I asked my oncologist for a prescription so I could get a handicapped/disabled tag from the BMV. It was because I was so exhausted I just couldn’t make the distance from the parking lot to inside, do what I wanted and then get back to the car without it knocking me out for the rest of the day. I decided it wasn’t worth it to use all my energy just trying to get into wherever I wanted to go. I still have it and I use it, but when I feel good – I don’t. I’m young and often have at least one child with me when I go somewhere. When I get out of the car I see people look, occasionally I could even see the “Why the heck does she need that, bet it belongs to one of her parents or something.” I don’t worry about it, of course now that I’m bald again no one even looks at me funny.

Since this lower spine radiation though things have gotten more difficult. I am tired, have no stamina, have lost muscle and strength and the nerves going into my legs are not behaving the way I want so my left leg isn’t responding properly. All this means I can’t walk through a store for much distance so at places like Kroger and Target I use the little scooter things they have with the baskets on them (just an FYI, the ones at Kroger are much faster and more maneuverable). And if my 5 year old, who is maybe 40 pounds is with me, he sits on my lap. Again, I’m bald so mostly people look at me with pity (UGH) and don’t bat an eye. I HATE riding in those things. If it wouldn’t wipe me out for next 24 hours I’d try to walk it. Riding in one of those things makes you FEEL disabled. It is even hard to sit up straight, I do but I understand why so many do not. It just saps you, it makes you feel less than able.

So my dilemma is this. My son finished preschool this week, my daughter gets out of school next week and then I need to be able to keep up with them. Not that I don’t now but we have memberships to the local museum, zoo, amusement park, pool (monster pool), and places we want to go. There are events we want to go to and festivals and shopping and even just down the street to the park without having to drive. Which means I’m looking at a little personal scooter, some of them come apart so I could put it in the back of the suv. I’d rather have something cool like a Segway but that requires standing the whole time. I really am hoping and planning not to need it for more than a few weeks but they are $100/week to rent and I can find a used one for around $500. If I were to need it longer I’d regret not getting my own. I kind of want to just go ahead and do it, so that I am prepared and can just go, but at the same time I don’t want to need it! I want this to be a blip on the radar and have my legs working the way they should. Last summer I missed a lot, or felt like I did because I got sick and was weak and unable to do the things I wanted for most of June, I don’t want to repeat that. I don’t want to feel like I missed stuff or my kids didn’t get to do things because of me. So I’m going to go and look at them and figure it out from there.

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